“I haven’t the slightest interest in being happy. I prefer to live life passionately, which is dangerous because you never know what might happen next.”

-A line from Paulo Coelho’s ‘Adultery’ where a writer confesses this to the narrator.

A writer can never be happy. There are people who strive for happiness and then there are writers who are expert in complicating things. They are restless creatures, in search of something to talk about. In every creation, they leave some of them. Writers are losers. Losing is their forte. Life for them is like a rough sheet where they keep on scribble, one after another page is torn (read mistakes) and they keep on writing. Jumping into wrong decisions, committing mistakes are something done very consciously to let the soul suffer. So much so that, one sits with a pen and paper and it becomes easy to squeeze the heart out to bleed.

Agonies are the weapons for a writer. When one desires to be a writer or claims to be one, the person is already throwing himself into an unpredictable life where he is going to sell his wounds. No pain, no gain- No other proverb is as apt as this to talk about a writer. He is there, exposing all his wounds, telling stories. In fact, this is true for any creative individual. They attract pains in order to improvise their creations. Pick any autobiography of a legend; you can see the struggle in front of your eyes. Pangs of anguish that thoroughly tormented them, led to create the most celebrated masterpieces.

Writers have a strange kind of arrogance. They are ridiculed, tormented, broken, destroyed and yet somehow manages to retain the pride deep inside their heart. Monetary insecurity, disturbed personal life, solitude… very common aspects for them! They are often advised to opt for an alternative profession by random people. Yes it becomes difficult to survive just as a writer, anticipating your creations to become a best seller someday! But the arrogance pushes them to keep on trying for it. They are never satisfied in any other profession and always busy looking for something comforting without knowing what!

Creative minds are meant to be alone. But it doesn’t mean they don’t like company. But at some point of time, they need their own space to procrastinate, observe and think. It is difficult to understand for a non-creative person how the mind of the other person really works. If inspiration strikes, midnight is not the time to sleep but get up to release the thoughts into words.  They fail to make things understandable for the world. Instead of verbal communication, they take refuge in pen and paper. As misery follows in the face of great loss, brain spreads its wings to explore new perspectives. ‘Post-traumatic growth’, as the psychologists call it, has been proven as one of the most popular ways of healing.

So, all the minds that wander are not lost. They may have found its way in wandering itself! But none can deny the fact, in spite of the unpredictability, creative people are irresistibly sexy! If you are a person with substance and hate to indulge in small talks, they are the best people for company. Their company can actually open the door of new perspective, take someone to a different world through their intellect, make anyone feel alive and delighted like never before.

But beware! Their happiness and agonies are contagious. One cannot help but simply gets carried away to see the world in their perspective!

You can feel something cracking inside, tearing your soul. What? How? And most importantly, WHY???

Is there any hope? You ask yourself. You question about everything on earth. What do I lack? Was I not worthy enough? Where did I gone wrong? Am I walking in a wrong path all my life? Am I too complicated? Am I asking for too much? Don’t I deserve it? There creeps in distrust. You are a loser. You have always been one. You are hating yourself. You can’t live with yourself anymore.

It feels completely alright when we hate other people. But hating your own self is unbearable. Your throat chokes. Tears struggle to come out, but you can’t cry. Deep inside something is breaking every moment and only you know it, you deal with it. You are slowly giving up on yourself. You frantically look out for some instant relief. Like a pill or something. Something to comfort you. But you have gone too far to bring yourself back and driving everyone around you crazy! What you exactly want?

Aimless. Confused. Paranoid. You feel you’re drowning and crave for something to hold on. You look for little bit of inspiration; the quotes you come across in Facebook timeline, the wisdom columns in newspapers, inspirational blogs and what not. Still you don’t talk about it. You are already nagging within yourself. How can you make the other person understand how you are exactly feeling. You shut yourself up!

But everyone has gone through it. Doubting yourself is quite familiar. No one ever express it. But, at some point of time, at some situation, we doubted our existence. We wondered, would it make big difference if I would no longer be here!

That point of time, you need a tight hug whispering in your ears, ‘Calm down! You can’t give up! I know you are being difficult. I know you are doubting yourself. But trust me, you have potential beyond your imagination. Trust me, you can accomplish anything and everything your heart desires. You deserve every goodness in the world. You cannot settle for less. You are amazing. You are wonderful!’

And that hug should come from Yourself. Yes, no other person can understand and know you as well as you do; your good and bad, flaws and blessings. No words, no person can heal you. It’s you who has to pick yourself up. The more you ask for advises from external sources, be it a friend, a guide, family…you’ll end up getting confused and perplexed. Don’t try to manipulate yourself according to the world. There is altogether an unique equation within your thoughts and actions.

So, if you are doubting yourself today, try to impress yourself in some way. Do the things that you actually like, that calm you down. Reading autobiographies help a lot when you lose hope about yourself. Try to understand other people’s story. You may find a similar story as yours or something more miserable that actually makes you feel like life has been kinder to you.

This blog is dedicated to those who are doubting your potential right at this moment. This is just a phase. And like all other happy-sad phases, ‘This shall pass too!’

So, all the jazz is over? Back to reality, eh?

Only the calendar has changed.

Mitron, you are still going to stand in ques outside ATM (hope it doesn’t get longer), fight for the bigger slice of pizza with your brother, run after buses and suffer from cough-cold-acidity at the same time. Your boss is still mad for not meeting the deadlines, beau is still not understanding what bothers you in those four days and relatives are still going to ask you in every family gathering, ‘When are you getting married?’

It’s pretty amazing to see the reality check 2nd January brings in every year. ‘Enough, party’s over’, it murmurs! Start loving your daily life without the added excitements. If you want something to change, change it right there. The job that’s not satisfying, the relationship that’s hurting, the people who demotivates, the things that expose your wounds…everything!

Yes, we can promise ourselves, from now on I’ll start saving, eat healthy, interact more, control anger, be patient, stop worrying. But that we can start any other day, in fact, any moment! New or old year, doesn’t matter.

So, whatever you are doing right at this moment may bring the best in you, may you become the person you always wanted to date, may you date someone who introduces you to your better self, may you grow enough in every aspect that your parents feel they can stop worrying, may you read good books that seriously damage your ignorance, may you travel to places that make you feel you can take birth as a human being, instead of the suffering one has to face in a lifetime, a thousand times to revisit there, may you always and everyday find a reason to live and dream.

Here, cheers to new beginning!

Last time, when did you fail in an exam? You felt cheated? You felt useless? You felt loved? You felt at peace? You parted ways? Painful, beautiful whatever it was; it was as significant as the first time! As the pessimists say, everything comes to an end, the ending must be as blasphemous, if not more, as the beginning.

Life is all about turning chapters. Some are plot introductions, some are full of excitements, some are savage, some are boring, some are heart-breaking, some are mysterious, and there are chapters in fact the most interesting ones, where you feel like what the fuck is happening with me? Is it for real? Or, am I experiencing the most terrible nightmare of my life?

But what happens when you look back? Look back to that ‘one last time’? Did you smile? Or is it too painful? Why is it so important to prepare yourself for that ‘one last time’? Doesn’t the very word ‘last’ sound horrifying? It freaks you out! It’s evil. The last meeting, the last word, the last kiss, the last breath… is there anything positive about last? Please let me know!

The funny part is, the drama around all these ‘last’ scenario! Nobody announces the beginning but the ‘last’ comes with lots of grandeur. Nobody listened to you when you began to say something, but the moment you say, ‘So, here we go, ladies & gentlemen, the last speech of my life!’ everybody is all ears. Humans are in their funniest best when they have nothing to lose. The real, the vulnerable, the raw side of nature comes out at that one last time. Convicted murderer Thomas J. Grasso used his last words to complain about his last meal. He said, “I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s; I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.” Can you beat it?

Though ‘Last’ has always been negative in that sense. But have you ever thought, that last word came out from your mouth about someone was the most honest. The last hug was the tightest. The last kiss was the most passionate ever! At least, you got to realize it was the last! Edward R. Murrow died while patting his wife’s hand. He said, “Well, Jan, we were lucky at that.”

There is always ‘one last time’moment for us. Before giving up, before losing all hope, before we surrender just think about ‘one last time’. And let it all out without any fear, any inhibition. ‘Coz, you don’t realize where a new beginning can be mistaken as that ‘one last time’!

Laxmi Puja. Check

Diwali. Oh my God! It’s almost there!

Need to plan something. Let’s have a grand party at home with crackers, cards and sinful delicacies. But hold on! The whole day will be spent on preparations and the next day cleaning and dusting the hangover props. Bad idea!

What about a long drive?

-The next day after Diwali, can’t take leave.

What about you?

-Sorry, can’t make it this time. You guys have fun!

Have fun? Are you kidding me? With whom am I supposed to have fun? But guysss, it’s DIWALI!!! I can’t afford to waste it like that! No way!

What’s the next big festival after Diwali? Christmas right?

What did you say? Jagaddhatri Puja? Oh, you have plans for that too? Unless you are from Chandannagar, who counts Jagaddhatri Puja as a festival! There my friend, you need to upgrade yourself. Every festival deserves to be celebrated.

Puja days have become a nightmare. You stuck more than you move. People in a hurry. South to North, they need to cover all the big, small pandals. Four days are not enough. Now, people start pandal hopping from Tritiya and it continues to Ekadoshi! Period!

Few months back, I was returning from office and stuck in the middle of the road. The 30mins distance took one and a half hours. Why? There were at least 8 pandals in 2kms. I hardly had any idea that it was the birth anniversary of Loknath Baba! I have always seen my mother worshiping him with his favourite white flower and sweets at home. But with loud music, pandal and plenty of free khichuri & alurdom I have never seen people celebrating the birthday of Loknath Baba! I offered my prayers to the birthday boy to get me an auto or something. He has a good reputation of rescuing people from all the trouble!

Now, look at the newspapers! Pages after pages, it’s all about the best deals to make Diwali special! Dhanteras ads are all over the TV screens! Commercialization touches new heights during festivals. Now 2mins for silence for those Bengalis who celebrate ‘Dhanteras!’

I ask, Why? Why are we celebrating all the festivals these days? Why are we craving for it? Why are we keen to expand the festivals like a rubber-band?

Festivals give reasons to rejoice. An urge to break free from the routine life. We all are schedulitized and desperately want something different. End of festivals freak us out. ‘You mean to say, it’s over? I need to get back to my life from tomorrow!’ It’s the same trauma felt at the end of weekends. I see people partying three days a week, still longing for a break! From what do we need break from? Don’t we love our day to day life?

I think there lies the problem. We have a lot to complain about our life. We don’t have a particular ambition or focus. Our goals changes. One after another we keep chasing. That’s good until you lose yourself. Every festival has a deep rooted connection with mythology, our childhood, some memories. My Diwali was all about reuniting with my cousins, large bags of crackers and invitations at friends’ places. We all have such good memories attached to every festival, right?

We all want to go back and touch them again to turn away for sometimes from the inevitable chaos in our lives! Through every festival we revive memories, reopen chapters that are left far behind. And the smell of memories, oh it’s still fresh!

Come, let’s celebrate life! Cheers!

Observing is a good habit as long as you don’t allow the tiny little things you observe to affect you.  Now, the man by the roadside affected me somehow. I questioned myself then and there what am I running after? What am I waiting for? What am I worried about? While all these make noise louder in my mind, I get an auto and thank almighty for the immense patience he gave me to stand forty five minutes in the long queue.

Finishing the first lap of my journey, I get down at a stoppage where I need to walk through the subway. There I meet a mother. The mother who was not really prepared to be one. The mother who even hardly had any idea about pregnancy, child birth or motherhood. In one horrible night, someone left his mark in her womb and vanished. She gave birth to a girl child first and now again, ‘blessed’ with a boy. The girl is now five years, old enough to beg and bring food for the mother and the boy. I have never seen the mother begging. She is always busy playing with the children. What she says, nobody understands, but all I can see they are happy in their tiny world, i.e at the subway entrance.

There comes the third lap when I start walking towards my office through a bazaar. People shouting in top of their voice to sell and buy. Sellers convincing the buyers and vice versa. People pushing each other, jostling to go ahead, running after over crowded bus, shouting for change, passing nasty comments. Till that time, I already got late. I start panting, and running. I need to complete the deadlines, finish the tasks. I run after the speedily moving crowded bus, give the exact fare in change to the conductor which I have saved for this last but crucial lap and shout loud when my stoppage comes and become one of them. One of the crowd. Getting down at the stoppage, taking a deep breath when I enter into the office I observe an old man reading newspaper sitting in front of his broken shop. He looks calm, peaceful, content. I remember the t-shirt quote of that vagabond. And I ask myself, “What am I running after? What am I waiting for? What am I worried about?”

The struggle is almost same…

Film Industry, advertising, editing, content writing, drawing cartoons, directing, acting, singing, designing, art direction, illustrating, screenplay writing, photography, food exploring, travelling, anchoring…sounds lucrative? Yeah, one factor is common in all of them! A tinge of glamour. The glamour we like to see and deal with from a distance.

Initially, they are not taken seriously. Is this a ‘safe’ profession for girls? How much do you earn? Are you sure about the prospects? You are working your ass off for this? When will you settle properly? Is this the time to get back home? And girls face a bigger and more serious question. Will your in-laws be fine with this profession?

In your mid 20s, when most of your friends are settled financially and enjoying ‘happily ever after’ phase sharing their ‘say cheeze’ and ‘awwww’ moments on social media, you are skipping lunch to meet the deadline. You have no time for mushy talk and romantic candle light dinners. You prefer to come back home, eat whatever lying on your plate and go to bed dead tired.

You suddenly realize you have distanced yourself from your closest relatives and best of friends. The worse, you cannot relate yourself with them anymore. Even if you meet them in reunions, functions or gatherings, you feel staying home would have been a better idea. Being creative, your mind is always looking for inspirations and you end up observing little things and hover over the fact for the rest of the time. Your jokes either fall too flat to make any sense, too sharp to understand or too sarcastic to laugh on the face! You choose to become a loner…well…you don’t have a choice!

And if you are single…God save you! Of course, in the course of chasing dreams you hardly have noticed anyone. Now that you are somewhat in peace with professional life, it’s time for war, revolt and unrest in your personal life. Your timeline is full of sarcastic quotes, your preference to food over men, how much you are in love with your ‘me time’ which you are not going to ruin for anyone, and you are in ‘no nonsense’ mood always. Admit it, you are desperately trying to convince the world you are your own Super-heroine and don’t need anyone beside you. You are ‘happily single’! You have set high standards for men; so high that even you fail to understand what you really want! You are waiting for your knight in shining armor but hold a second, he may have approached you and been friendzoned! You have mastered the art of projecting yourself somewhat snob, arrogant, reckless kind and show your difficult side first. You are in no mood to impress anyone.

But secretly, you daydream a lot. About everything. You have started saving money for your little wishes. You read recipes to improve your culinary skills, you water the plant in your garden, you brainstorm to decorate your living room, you look for perfect curtains to match with the colour of your room, you try to become a little organized. There! There! You are stepping into womanhood, girl!

You have learnt to let go, move on, suppressing feelings in the deepest corner of your heart, put a happy mask on all the time. Everyday you tell yourself don’t worry, it will be healed. You will again be able to fall in love, laugh at silly jokes, make a wish with a shooting star, trust with your eyes closed, hold a hand firm enough, live without worries, decide without any doubt in heart. And probably looking for the man who can see you through your mask. Who will introduce you to your own self you left far behind while growing up…

Some things should come with rear view mirror! They are actually closer to you than they appear.

So, I was talking about identifying the right thing! How difficult is that? In this era of digitalization, we all have two faces. One we showcase on social media and another we are in reality. So accustomed with photo filters we are so uncomfortable showing the real ‘us’. Who on earth looks like fresh drop of dew in such humid summer afternoon? That too directly under the sun! And those unnecessary pouts, spare me! And then how one can feel ‘delighted’ with 50 people he/she rarely knows according to their social media status? People go out with friends and put a status that they are enjoying. Really? If one had been really enjoying he would give a damn to put a status. Why are we showing off that we are having a good time or good life? What for? Are we so depressed that we are trying to convince ourselves that we have things of joy in our lives?

We are a generation socially connected but detached from within. And there lies the confusion, the ‘may be’. We are confused about what we portray and what we are. It’s fine if you do not have too many friends to hang out with, it’s fine if you hate to socialize, it’s fine if you are not comfortable to drink in a party, it’s fine if you can’t make happy each and everyone, it’s fine to detach yourself from the rest of the world for sometime, it’s fine to cry at night, it’s fine to state your mind loud and clear, it’s fine not to be fine all the time.

So, coming out of the shell is the best way. Let’s face it, you cannot impress every kind of people around you. In fact, don’t try to impress anyone. We all have ugly, stupid, crazy, stubborn, difficult, sweet, innocent side within. Either you’ll be accepted with all the evils inside you or rejected with all the divine qualities. Who cannot handle your darkness can never appreciate the glow you reflect. So, identify the right thing keeping in mind it has to be a strong base beyond right or wrong.

Well, once you identify the right things, they will chase you. They will haunt you… in your dreams, in your thoughts, in your insomniac nights. You just can’t let it go. You might think you have moved on, but they will appear from somewhere and then you realize why they should come with a rear view mirror. The worst part is, they become a part of your conscience now. You would be mad to channelize that in different ways. And thus you win. Thus dreams come true…

I ‘may be’ don’t want to settle down.

I ‘may be’ not good enough for him.

I ‘may be’ look for other options than chasing my passion…

Why is that? Why are we so indecisive?

The problem is we tend to stay in a perplexed state, somewhere in the middle of something and somewhat scared to meet a conclusion. What if something better is waiting for me! And there is no end of it. We keep on waiting… for the right time, for the right person, for the right situation. We end up making a forced conclusion, i.e ‘Let’s see’. Meanwhile, situation changes and we lose whatever we had.

How many of us are lucky enough to identify the right ones in life? Ever felt that this is the thing I always wanted to do! I belong here. This is the time I should do it. This is the man I want to be with in the rest of my life. We try to ‘go with the flow’ and lose ourselves somewhere in the running force. Are we so helpless?

Now, we are so busy guarding ourselves. It is not wise to put our emotions and feelings on display! So better, let’s go with the flow, ‘let’s see’…

And what if you meet someone raw in this guarded world? Well, that’s quite weird to describe a human being as ‘raw’! The one who listens to his instincts, the one who never learnt to pretend, the one who loves madly, the one whose soul is on display…

(To be continued…)